The group, which includes two people who cannot eat spicy food, one person who doesn't eat onion, one on a diet, one who "doesn't really like Chinese but it's fine," one who has been here before and wants to order for everyone, and one who eats everything and has been waiting patiently for 45 minutes to eat anything, has still not finalised the order.

MAINLAND CHINA / ANY RESTAURANT / INDIA / EVERY SATURDAY — By Staff Reporter Who Had The Good Sense To Eat Before Coming

HYDERABAD — A table of eight people celebrating a birthday at a popular restaurant placed an order on Saturday evening that restaurant staff described as "the most collaborative, most prolonged, most contradictory, and ultimately most warmly intended order we have received this month," noting that the group had been seated at 7:30 PM, received their menus at 7:32 PM, and placed their final confirmed order at 8:17 PM, during which time the waiter had visited the table eleven times, been sent away nine times, answered fourteen questions about ingredients, confirmed twice that a dish did not contain onion, confirmed once more after the initial two confirmations that it really did not contain onion, and brought a separate menu for desserts that was consulted for eighteen minutes before being set aside in favour of "we'll see after the main course," which is the most optimistic sentence in the Indian dining experience because the main course will arrive and be declared "too much" and the desserts will be ordered anyway.

"Bhai, ek kaam karo — thoda less spicy kar do, but flavour wahi rehna chahiye."— Table member to waiter. The waiter has written this down. He has written it knowing it is not a physically executable instruction. He will convey it to the kitchen. The kitchen will make the dish as it is made. The person will eat it and say "haan, theek tha." Both parties have participated in a transaction that produced no change and complete satisfaction.

The ordering was further complicated by the presence of one Decisive Uncle — a man who has been to this restaurant before, who has opinions about every item, and who attempted to order for the table in the interest of efficiency, producing instead a counter-revolution in which all seven other members simultaneously discovered strong preferences they had not previously expressed. The Decisive Uncle, outmanoeuvred, retreated to his original choice of "veg manchurian, dry" and said "you all decide" with the dignity of a man who did not want to decide anyway.

The food arrived. It was, by unanimous agreement, very good. The birthday person's dessert arrived with a candle. The table sang Happy Birthday at a volume that nearby tables found alarming and later confirmed was fine, actually, good energy. The bill arrived. Nobody looked at it immediately. Then everybody looked at it simultaneously. A discussion began. The discussion lasted twelve minutes. The Decisive Uncle paid. He had wanted to pay from the beginning. This was always going to happen. The restaurant knew. The waiter knew. Everyone at the table knew except, strategically, the Decisive Uncle, who needed to arrive at it himself. He arrived at it. He paid. He was thanked. He waved it off. He was pleased. This is called dinner.

Indian Restaurant45 Minute OrderDecisive Uncle PaysLess Spicy Same FlavourNo Onion Confirmed ThriceDessert Always Happens
Disclaimer: Satire. Every person at this table exists in every Indian family. The "less spicy same flavour" request has been made at every Indian restaurant since restaurants began. The Decisive Uncle always pays. This is the way. — Ed.